Over the years, I have interviewed many applicants for graduate counseling programs. I recall one applicant in particular named Jake. He was in his early twenties, in good shape physically, with a friendly, outgoing personality. He had recently graduated with his Bachelor’s degree from a very good university. His application indicated that his grades from his undergraduate program were excellent. My first impression was that he seemed kind, intelligent, and confident. He evidently had taken the advice to heart that he had been given in the past to “give a firm handshake when you meet someone” because he squeezed my hand quite hard and held it for at least five seconds when we met. After a few pleasantries, I prompted Jake to share with me the reason for his wanting to become a professional counselor. He responded by saying “I want to help other people by giving them good advice.” He continued on by telling me about several of his friends in college who had come to him for help over the past few years and how his advice had solved their problems. He proudly revealed “people tell me all the time that I should be a counselor!” Jake is just one of many counseling applicants and counselors in training I have talked with over the years who have expressed something similar. While I appreciate their heart for wanting to help others, there are some real significant problems with this line of thinking when it comes to professional counseling, and perhaps many other leadership roles. Let’s take a closer look.
Jennifer presents as a kind, quiet, eleven year old with auburn hair. She has been referred to counseling because of a poor relationship with her new step-father (Bill) and her emotional outbursts at home and at school. As she shares some of what has been happening with you, it becomes clear that she is still reeling from her Mom and Dad’s recent divorce and has now been thrust into a sudden and, for her part, unwelcome relationship with “another man” living in her home. She describes herself as “depressed” and describes her step-father as “mean.” She exclaims, her voice rising, “Sometimes I just lose it!” After sharing all this, she looks at you and says the most dangerous four words in counseling: “What should I do?”
Now let’s get back to Jake? You know what I fear well-intentioned Jake would do? Jake might respond with statements like this. “You need to spend some time talking to Bill and getting to know him.” “You need to tell your Mom how you feel.” “You need to control your emotions so that you don’t get in trouble.” “You should take 10 deep breaths and think about things you are grateful for.” “You need to get over the divorce and take control of your life.” You need, you should, you must….I worry that Jake would confidently tap into his huge reservoir of wisdom and reveal the specific steps that Jennifer must take to fix her life. So, you likely surmise by now that I’m not a fan of those responses. Why not? What’s wrong with Jake’s approach? Well, I’ve got a laundry list of reasons – why not. Here we go.
- If the advice works, it is the counselor’s success, not the client’s.
In this scenario, success would likely boost Jake’s confidence and self-image. I’m not so sure that is what Jake needs and it certainly wouldn’t be helping Jennifer. Jennifer may feel like she just isn’t smart enough to solve her own problems and needs the help of a man like Jake to solve them. However, if Jennifer has at least helped to come up with the solution(s), then it would be more her success, not Jake’s. This would encourage her autonomy and could boost her confidence and self-image.
- If the advice works, the client is drawn back to the counselor to tell them what to do the next time they have a problem. This encourages dependency.
While Jake may appreciate the job-security, we want to empower Jennifer to work through her own problems throughout life whenever possible, not run back to Jake to tell her what to do the next time she runs into something difficult.
- Quick, too simple solutions often don’t work and/or aren’t long-lasting. If the solution were that simple, most people would have figured it out on their own and/or through trial and error.
Jennifer may very well feel invalidated by the straightforward advice and perhaps even shamed by the suggestion that she failed to figure out something so simple and/or do it on her own. Jennifer is a smart young lady. Her family situation is unique and complex. Long-lasting solutions are not typically easy or simple. While small steps can help things to improve, there are many factors to consider. Even small changes will likely impact the family system in different and hard to predict ways. Preparing for how to respond to the side effects of change can be a vitally important part of counseling as well.
- If the advice doesn’t work, it is (at least partially) the counselor’s responsibility.
Imagine if Jennifer tells Mom that she hates Bill, and Mom responds by slapping her across the face. Who is at least partially to blame for that? Well, you told her to do it Jake.
- Adolescents and anyone with more of a “Disagreeable” personality or demeanor may be more apt to reject advice or simply do the opposite of what a counselor suggests.
Let’s keep in mind that Jennifer is a pre-teen in our scenario and it would be developmentally normal for her to reject advice and/or direction from an adult, however well-intentioned and however sensible. By telling some kids what to do or what not to do, we may inadvertently prompt the very opposite.
- If the advice doesn’t work, this could foster a sense of helplessness.
Imagine how poor Jennifer will feel and how she will think if she does her best to do what an ADULT counselor told her to do and it still doesn’t work?! She. is. “Cooked.”
So as you can see, whether the advice “works” or not, the approach is problematic. I need to add a few additional things that concern me in regard to Jake’s desire to become a professional counselor. First, I worry that Jake’s overconfidence in himself and in his wisdom might be overcompensating for some deep-seated insecurities. He may be outwardly expressing himself like Gaston from Beauty and the Beast, but that may be masking inner anxiety and turmoil. Convincing others how strong and brilliant he really is may help him to feel better about himself and soothe those inner insecurities. If other people think of him as a genius, then it might really be true, he may believe. We sometimes call this a “Super-hero” complex in the helping professions. If Jake can rescue Jennifer – that makes him feel really valuable and important. For some people, this natural high can be a form of self-medication for those very insecurities and inner turmoil we mentioned earlier.
Or, perhaps Jake doesn’t really have those insecurities and he is just super-proud of his brilliance and his abilities! Do you know anyone like that? I do. I’m not so sure that those people help me feel better about myself, though, perhaps quite the opposite. And perhaps the thing that worries me most about this is that this perfect Jake lacks humility. How can perfect Jake connect with people who aren’t thinking, feeling, or behaving in perfect ways? His pride may be a barrier to developing a therapeutic alliance with many prospective clients. One hundred years of psychological research reveals to us clearly that the most powerful benefit of counseling or therapy is the therapeutic alliance between the client and the counselor. Without that, Jake is not going to be a very effective counselor, which won’t be good for his clients and won’t be best for him either. There are some additional and significant problems with pride as well, that are beyond the scope of this essay.
As the telemarketers say, there’s got to be a better way! After all, remember that Jennifer is staring at you desperate for help as she pleads “What should I do?” There is a better way. But that’ll have to wait for another time and another blog.
Until then….Laugh a Lot, Love a Lot, and Have an Excellent Edventure!
- Dr. Rick Albright
